Grief: A Deeper Understanding
The definition of grief is a “deep and poignant distress caused by bereavement” and also “implies poignant sorrow for an immediate cause.”
As I have spoken about in previous posts, grief is felt in many ways. None of those ways are wrong, and certainly deserve validation. Grief is not only displayed because of the death of a loved one, but can be felt by any change that has occurred in our lives.
In my experience, many people have not recognized or accepted this “other type” of grief. When we have had a breakup with a significant other, have moved into a new house or to a different state, have experienced a chronic illness (yourself or, within your family), have lost a job; all of these things can cause disenfranchised grief.
Disenfranchised grief is a set of feelings that can fluctuate, based on a loss or change (of many different kinds), but not necessarily due to the loss of a loved one. Disenfranchised grief is generally seen as grief that is not usually openly acknowledged, socially accepted or publicly mourned.
As a society, we have all set very unrealistic expectations of the way we grieve. We have set limitations with which grief can be felt or experienced and have only recognized certain types of things to be worthy of our grief. If you haven’t “grieved enough” or “grieved in the right way” or if you have been “grieving for too long,” you are flawed, dismissed, and limited to what society has deemed to be “appropriate” for grief. It is like somehow grief can fit into this nice little package that can be “put away” at any time.
Why do we do this to ourselves??? Besides yourself, who has the right to be in charge of how or what we are feeling or how long we “should” feel that way?
The tricky and wonderful thing about grief, is that it never completely leaves you.
The memories, traditions, songs, meals, even the sight of a beautiful butterfly, can bring back so many different emotions, at any given time.
You are allowed to feel all of those things; give yourself permission to sit with the difficult changes, and think about or talk with a trusted loved one about the person or event that is causing you this grief. Open your heart to the possibility that not only is that person or event part of your history and grief, but also part of your growth. The feelings of sadness, anger, frustration, gratitude, and everything in between are valid and valued.
If you do not feel like you have the support or validation that you need, or feel like there has not been an opportunity to really process those feelings, there are many resources out there. There are many people, like myself, who are available to provide care and help process all of the aspects of grief. There are also community support groups, some specifically for loss and grief, as well as a great deal of literature that can provide comfort, education and support.
Additionally, you have the ability to grow around your grief; not to forget it or repress it or bury it, but feel it, recognize it and allow yourself the opportunity to reach out for support.
